I am not GOD --And I don't Understand Grace

It has been forever since I have posted anything, and for that I apologize. I could make numerous excuses, but I will just tell you that I fail. Anyway, the past few weeks have been increasingly difficult for me. I have learned a lot, whether I wanted to or not. In this post I will try to hash out what I God has taught me. This is more for me than anyone else...

I don't really know where to begin. I have always been the type of person that cares deeply about how others see me. I want people to like me, no I don't want it..I have to have it. If someone is angry with me or offended by me it tears me up inside. I am working on this, it is a slow painful process. I was recently told by someone very near and dear to me that I crave attention and approval because I don't truly understand grace.

This statement wrecked my reality and stung for a bit. You see, I pride myself in being someone that "gets grace." I like to think that I have it all figured out, after all it is "for freedom that Christ set us free." I tell myself that I am living in grace, living free...but I am not. I work hard to get approval from people so they will see how "good" I am. The truth is my hyper-involvement in all things church related isn't to further the kingdom or to give God glory, it is to make me feel good about other people feeling good about me. If I truly got this Grace thing then I wouldn't constantly seek approval from those around me.

I learned this after I had been broken, beat up, torn down and destroyed. This pain was caused because I tried to help someone. I tried to help them because I *thought they needed help. See, for a long time I have been the cornerstone of this persons life. I have been the one person they come to for advice and help. I have been a voice of encouragement and a shoulder to cry on. Through thick and thin, through sorrow, weeping and rejoicing I have been there. This person is like family to me. Once you are family, you will always be family. There is nothing that can be done to separate that.

Even family goes through tough times. This relationship had gotten to a point where said person felt comfortable sharing details of the past. Of past relationships and the pain caused in those relationships. I did what I thought was right. I tried to help. Because by helping I become "good." What this person had been through was tough stuff. I don't mean being cheated on...I mean being abused, physically and emotionally. This is the point I messed up....see, this person had healed these old wounds. Wounds of abuse, hurt and pain had been sewn up and forgotten about. I re-opened those wounds when I offered help. The help I offered would have brought "justice." It would have been the "right" thing to do...but sometimes the "right" thing isn't so right after all. My friend had self-healed, had tried to forget and move on. I brought back the memories and the horror of the abuse. Immediately it was chaos. My friend shut down. There was no communication, I knew I had made a mistake. I lost it.

I felt responsible for this pain. It was like I was the one that had perpetrated the abuse. I wept. That's right I am a grown man...a big guy and I wept. I broke. Knowing I had hurt someone so terribly when all I was trying to do was help...I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I requested prayer from close friends and via the #outlawpreachers hashtag. It would be nice to say that I felt immediate relief, that I was settled and all was calm. That didn't happen. I was a basket-case for days.

Finally after several days of weeping, mourning and sulking I was spent. I could do no more. I just didn't care.  Then I had my "ah-ha" moment. I almost felt someone place their hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me and then it hit me...like a ton of bricks it hit me. I know it was God, or the Holy Spirit. It was a brain-nugget. A simple thought placed in my mind that has revolutionized my thought processes.

I am not God. I cannot be everything to everybody. I am human. I make mistakes and I hurt people. God and only God can be the cornerstone in your life. I cannot "fix" people. 


This hurt, but it brought relief. I have been the "fixer" for so long. I cannot fix people. Only God can relieve pain. I will be there to walk hand-in-hand with someone through their pain, but I cannot hold them up on their journey. This is what God taught me. I have learned that I am not perfect, that I cause pain and that you must always turn to God. HE is the healer.

The Making of An Undercover Outlaw

The Beginning:

I was born into a very conservative Southern Baptist Church in the middle of the Bible Belt. When I say "born into" I mean literally "born into." My family has attended this church for 3 generations. Growing up I was expected to be in church every time the doors were opened. However, being in the church wasn't good enough I had to be involved. So I got involved and have dived in head first ever since. I have been a leader our youth and university group, I teach a youth Sunday School class, play in the praise band and sing in the choir....but I am an undercover outlaw!

Fast Forward: 

All of my youth and most of my college years were spent drinking the kool-aid that the SBC spews from the pulpit. I believed that if you drank alcohol, smoked, listened to any music that had a real beat, did yoga, trick or treated on Halloween, or even knew anyone who was gay then you were headed to hell in a hand-basket! I was the stereotypical SBC student. I wouldn't generally associate with anyone that didnt go to church. And god forbid I associate with anyone that thought differently than me. 

Moving onto college I joined our college group at church. For my first few years of college I continued drinking the kool-aid. I spoke out against fraternities and sororities because all they did was drink and party. I almost joined the college republicans *shudder*.  And in class I sat there scared of everyone else because they were "of the world." 

Now, at this point most of you are reading this and thinking this guy is an asshole who has never faced any trials or temptations in his life. He thinks everyone is beneath him. For the first few years of college you might be right. I had faced temptations and given in. I had faced trials but kept them hidden. That is how I lived my life...with masks. The people in my church and even my friends saw the "conservative christian" mask I had put on. But my real life was much, much different.

Confession Time:

My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6. Dad was the University Teacher (not a pastor) at our church. He had an affair with the church secretary and the rest is history. Now, my dad is the greatest man i know. I strive to be like him. He messed up, but everyone does. We have a great relationship and has often times gone out of his way to make sure he and my mother have everything we need to live. 

This is how my life started. It is probably my first memory of pain...watching my dad pack up his stuff and move away. 

For years we lived as a single parent household with single income. My mother, myself and my brother. We made it just fine with help from my dad. Then, when I was a junior or senior in high school my mom started dating this guy from our church. He seemed to be a nice enough guy. They dated for maybe a month and then got married....Life as we knew it had changed. 

This man was verbally abusive to my mother and brother. He would tear them down emotionally and berated them for every little thing. He never really did that to me...maybe he did and I just didn't notice. I didn't take shit from him. I remember one time in particular I walked in on a conversation between he and my mother. The only part I heard was him talking about beating my brother. I went ballistic. I yelled, screamed and cursed at him. I told him that if he was going to hurt my brother he would have to go through me. I then walked out. He never touched my brother, or me. I'm a big guy, but he was bigger. He could have easily kicked my ass. I guess that outburst scared him.

We lived in fear of the next fight between he and my mother. Him always yelling and her crying. Then we would go into church on Sunday as if everything were fine. This went on for 6 years. These were 6 of the toughest years of our lives. The marriage made it through an affair...he cheated on my mother and she took him back with open arms, because the Bible says to forgive. He was addicted to pornography and cheated on her again...she took him back and forgave him again because the church counselor said a marriage was a vow with God. He cheated again and she kicked him the hell out because finally she was sick of his shit. She found her voice inside that he had oppressed and she let him have it. That was the best day of my life.

My heart aches for the hurt he caused her. There were times I thought about killing him. It would have made things so much easier on my brother and mother, after all I was the oldest, I was the protector. Alas, it all worked out for the good. It was however, in the days after the divorce hearings that my life changed.

An Outlaw Preacher is made:

I am not sure at what point it happened, but I soon realized that a lot of what was being taught from the pulpit did not align with scripture or my own beliefs. Maybe it was on an accountability group mission trip to the slums of Dallas where we sat on the floor of an apartment and talked for hours on end. Maybe it was feeding homeless under a bridge...but i really think it was when the church encouraged my mother to stay with an abusive man because marriage is a vow. 

It doesn't matter at what point I "saw the light." What matters is, that I did. I am now a an outlaw preacher. My personal theology has been transformed by a group of peers my age in my church. We meet in what the church calls a "late Sunday school" but it is so much more than that. This group is my community where everyone is accepted and there are no incorrect opinions. There I feel love, acceptance, trust and God. When I was told that a group like this exists in a much larger form nationwide I was intrigued. Several of our group members visited with OP's in Memphis and we were hooked. We decided that the underground community that had been created at home was a community of Outlaw Preachers. We are a group of 15-20 with very different backgrounds and very different views of theology and the Bible. But that is okay, it is what makes us who we are. We teach inclusion and love. Our sole mission is to love everyone the way that Christ loves. In this we will love Christ. That is all. We don't preach against anything, We don't preach politics or national idolatry. We preach love.

At OP11 I found what I had been searching for. This was the community that I had needed for the past 3 years. I found love, acceptance, grace and a place where I could be myself. You see, in my conservative SBC I am an undercover outlaw. 

If you have proceeded to read all of this thank you. I feel like I rambled disjointedly. I promise not all posts will be this long. I just had a lot to get off my chest. 

Thank you Outlaw Preachers for accepting a SBC sinner like me!! Look forward to next year, love you all!