It has been forever since I have posted anything, and for that I apologize. I could make numerous excuses, but I will just tell you that I fail. Anyway, the past few weeks have been increasingly difficult for me. I have learned a lot, whether I wanted to or not. In this post I will try to hash out what I God has taught me. This is more for me than anyone else...
I don't really know where to begin. I have always been the type of person that cares deeply about how others see me. I want people to like me, no I don't want it..I have to have it. If someone is angry with me or offended by me it tears me up inside. I am working on this, it is a slow painful process. I was recently told by someone very near and dear to me that I crave attention and approval because I don't truly understand grace.
This statement wrecked my reality and stung for a bit. You see, I pride myself in being someone that "gets grace." I like to think that I have it all figured out, after all it is "for freedom that Christ set us free." I tell myself that I am living in grace, living free...but I am not. I work hard to get approval from people so they will see how "good" I am. The truth is my hyper-involvement in all things church related isn't to further the kingdom or to give God glory, it is to make me feel good about other people feeling good about me. If I truly got this Grace thing then I wouldn't constantly seek approval from those around me.
I learned this after I had been broken, beat up, torn down and destroyed. This pain was caused because I tried to help someone. I tried to help them because I *thought they needed help. See, for a long time I have been the cornerstone of this persons life. I have been the one person they come to for advice and help. I have been a voice of encouragement and a shoulder to cry on. Through thick and thin, through sorrow, weeping and rejoicing I have been there. This person is like family to me. Once you are family, you will always be family. There is nothing that can be done to separate that.
Even family goes through tough times. This relationship had gotten to a point where said person felt comfortable sharing details of the past. Of past relationships and the pain caused in those relationships. I did what I thought was right. I tried to help. Because by helping I become "good." What this person had been through was tough stuff. I don't mean being cheated on...I mean being abused, physically and emotionally. This is the point I messed up....see, this person had healed these old wounds. Wounds of abuse, hurt and pain had been sewn up and forgotten about. I re-opened those wounds when I offered help. The help I offered would have brought "justice." It would have been the "right" thing to do...but sometimes the "right" thing isn't so right after all. My friend had self-healed, had tried to forget and move on. I brought back the memories and the horror of the abuse. Immediately it was chaos. My friend shut down. There was no communication, I knew I had made a mistake. I lost it.
I felt responsible for this pain. It was like I was the one that had perpetrated the abuse. I wept. That's right I am a grown man...a big guy and I wept. I broke. Knowing I had hurt someone so terribly when all I was trying to do was help...I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I requested prayer from close friends and via the #outlawpreachers hashtag. It would be nice to say that I felt immediate relief, that I was settled and all was calm. That didn't happen. I was a basket-case for days.
Finally after several days of weeping, mourning and sulking I was spent. I could do no more. I just didn't care. Then I had my "ah-ha" moment. I almost felt someone place their hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me and then it hit me...like a ton of bricks it hit me. I know it was God, or the Holy Spirit. It was a brain-nugget. A simple thought placed in my mind that has revolutionized my thought processes.
I am not God. I cannot be everything to everybody. I am human. I make mistakes and I hurt people. God and only God can be the cornerstone in your life. I cannot "fix" people.
This hurt, but it brought relief. I have been the "fixer" for so long. I cannot fix people. Only God can relieve pain. I will be there to walk hand-in-hand with someone through their pain, but I cannot hold them up on their journey. This is what God taught me. I have learned that I am not perfect, that I cause pain and that you must always turn to God. HE is the healer.
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